‘I was, until you tapped me and asked if I was sleeping.’
‘Sorry.’
‘Thanks. Goodnight.’
‘Baby, we need to talk o.’
‘No we don’t baby, trust me.’
‘But you know I can’t sleep when I have something on my mind…’
‘You can, if you try. It’s really not difficult. Just assume that the thing on your mind is not there and you will fall asleep in no time.’
‘Are you trying to avoid this discussion?’
‘I am trying to sleep after a long day. It’s the natural thing to do.’
‘So my trying to resolve issues that could threaten our marriage isn’t the right thing to do? Is that what you are saying to me, ehn, baby?’
‘Okay, I am sorry.’
‘What are you apologizing for?’
‘For whatever it is that I have done that is threatening our marriage now, or is that not why you have held my heavy eyelids apart and refused to let me sleep at past midnight?!’
‘You are being rather dramatic baby.’
‘Dramatic? You are the one who’s being dramatic here. I’m sure whatever it is that I have done this time is something inconsequential, as usual, but my wife must make a federal case out of everything!’
‘If it hurts me, then it isn’t a small thing, however small you think it is!’
‘Maybe you shouldn’t let it hurt you. It is possible, you know. If you prevent it from hurting you then there’ll be no need to talk about it over and over again.’
‘What if you stop yourself from doing things that force me to talk over and over again?!’
‘What have I done sef? Anyone listening would think that I killed somebody! Can it be worse than that I wore the pair of slippers reserved for the bathroom to the kitchen? Or that I currently have four pairs of shoes strewn all over the sitting room, keeping my jacket and singlet company? Okay, I didn’t replace the lid on the pot when I went to the kitchen to take more rice, so? Yes, the bathroom always looks like the scene of a minor Tsunami after I have a bath, so? There are five half-empty bottles of water in the fridge, when then? I promised to replace the bulb in the bathroom corridor five weeks ago, yes…but I have been busy and I’m going to get to it at some point. And I’ll call the carpenter too, to fix the knob on the front door. I promised to do it two months ago, yes I know. There’s no need to remind me every other week. See, I am not genetically structured to remember small things or return things to their appropriate places. Sue me!
‘Baby, do you love me?’
‘What is this?’
‘Seriously baby, do you love me?’
‘We are married, aren’t we? So what is this your do you love me business?’
‘I just need to know. Because the man I married who loves me very much will not let me suffer like this. He knows that we live alone and that I can’t do all the things that need to be done in this house all by myself. He would help me. He wouldn’t let our house look like the resting place of a mad person, with everything upside down and only one of us trying to make our home look sane. The man I married, God bless him for me, will do his best not to turn me to an old witch who is constantly nagging.’
‘I am here o, please stop talking about me as if I’m absent.’
‘Anyway, it is fine. Don’t worry; I’ll never bring this issue up again. Please go back to sleep. Sorry I disturbed you. ‘
‘What’s the meaning of this? This is blackmail, you know…oh, so now you’re not saying anything again, abi?’
‘It’s okay baby. I know you try sometimes…’
‘I’m sorry darling. I shouldn’t have said those things.’
‘It’s alright baby. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You are actually a very good man. At least you drive me to the market most times, even if you just sit in the car.’
‘I will carry the shopping basket for you next time, on my head.’
‘LOL. Don’t be silly.’
‘I can even back the live chicken like a baby, anything for you.’
‘You are being ridiculous now.’
‘I can’t help myself.’
‘I love you.’
‘I love you too.’
‘How much?’
‘Plenty! Deeper than GEJ’s thoughts; wider than Buhari’s mind; taller than El-Rufai; hopelessly like Fani-Koyode…’
‘Hian!
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