HOW TO KICK OUT INFIDELITY BY OLISEH

Hi and welcome again to ‘Real Issues with Oliseh’.  The week was hectic, coupled with a malfunctioning laptop; it was hard meeting up with my write-up. Out of about 13 direct mails I got last week, 10 of them bordered of infidelity in marriage. This week, I have decided to write on how we can help ourselves to reduce the incidences of cheating from our marriages or relationships. This is really for those who are committed to making their marriage work.

Cheating in relationship is a now common phenomenon. It has lots of consequences of which divorce is the extreme. But research over time has proven that divorce can only bring an end to a relationship but not the pain, disappointment and heart break it caused the parties involved.

Today, a lot of young people believe that marriage is a solution to sexual temptation but if you are already married, you know the answer by now; marriage does not isolate you from ‘lustful thinking and acts’. Married people are subject to sexual pressure as much as their singles counterparts.

Sexual pressure is normal because sex was created by God but for definite purposes and circumstances. It is only you that will decide whether to fall or overcome sexual temptation. It is like a bird seeking where to perch and it’s your prerogative to allow it to rest on your head or fly away. Speaking to some sets of young people within the past week was really eye opening. Most people are under one type of sexual pressure or the other; whether young, old, ladies, guys, rich, poor, even the religious and the not too religious. A particular young lady confessed that she is barely resisting the urge just because of God’s grace. A young man in his 30s recounted to me that he had at various times engaged in masturbation (as a means of reliving the pressure) but had to stop because of guilty conscience.

No matter what anyone thinks, our generation and society is under serious sexual pressure. The street, media, music, films are now all about sex. The irony is that we are all part of the script. Our ladies now want to dress and be seen as sex symbols. I believe that most ladies do not know the effect of their sexy dress on the men folk. Men are attracted by ‘sight’ and women by ‘words’. That’s why a normal lady can be in the same room with a naked man and she will feel nothing. But by just seeing the upper chest of a lady, a volcano will erupt in a man waist. I am not in any way justifying sexual harassment of women by men under the flimsy excuse of sexual provocation. Self discipline is a vital tool in our fight to resist sexual temptation. Back to the issue of extra marital affairs, I will like to point out some measures to help us avoid cheating on our partners. Like I pointed out in one of my previous write –ups, affairs do not happen in a day; everything starts with a seed, in our mind.

A marriage counselor, Dr. Gary Chapman, in an article, ‘Roots of Trouble’, noted that the “love euphoria (intense excitement)” in a marriage dwindles after a while’. It is then when it is important that we choose to love. Yes, love is a decision. If love is a decision, then remaining faithful our partner is also a decision. Being faithful in marriage is an intentional act of love and surrender. Love is more than a feeling; it’s an act.

I’m assuming that we do not need reminders on why adultery is not healthy but for those who really have not pondered on it; here are some of the reasons: Cheating on your spouse is going to cause your family to break. Even if your spouse decides to forgive, you will cause them to go through much emotional trauma and bad memories. It t will takes them almost a lifetime for them to trust you again. That is a heavy price.

Let’s take this further by looking at seven steps of caution in avoiding extra-marital relationships

1. Beware of False Attractions:

Most of the time, it starts by meeting someone with whom you share a common interest and attraction with. Love, affection or infatuation thrives with closeness. This seems to be the first seeds being sown. Is it wrong to socialize? No, not unless you then begin to water those seeds. If you are truthful with your emotion, this is the time to ‘run’.

2. Stop Comparing your Partner

There is nothing wrong with appreciating another lady/man but it can become troubled water when you begin to compare the other person with your partner. God has designed everyone uniquely and to be discontent and compare your partner with someone else is to open a big door for the undue temptation to enter into your married life. Like they say, ‘the grass is always greener at the other side’. We always seem to see something to like on the outside. But the picture will get clearer when they get in. Appreciate what you have.

3. Beware of the Danger Zones:

Many of these wrong relationships brew in the work or social places when there is plenty of time to catch up. And the time that has to be invested between a husband and wife relationship is then invested to a third person bringing more emotional bonding. Then, feeling begins to lie to you about how the other person cares more than your partner. When you find such an opportunity, then that should be an opportunity to shut that door. Learn and try to spend quality time with your spouse. It is a worthy investment!

4. Is that Feeling Real?

Subtle admirations can easily become false feelings that begin to develop in your heart. The deceptive spirits wants you to believe that it is love. Don’t fall for those feelings because they don’t last. It is not love but lust which is taking over your emotional faculty. Now is the time to run and disconnect from that person. It might not make sense to you or the other person but it will sure help protect your marriage.

5. Beware of False Words:

You may hear what you have never heard from your spouse before in form of praises, flattering compliments and assurances. Women are more susceptible to this trend.  Most times, they are lies meant to confuse and distract you. Don’t listen to the lie that ‘I will be there for you’. BEWARE! Don’t let sweet notes or special gifts sway your heart.

6. Beware of Secrets:

Sin breeds faster in private. The thought that no one is going to catch or know is the greatest fuel that pushes people to try stupid things that they will regret later in life. And to facilitate that, you begin to let lies into the relationship take every bit of credibility and now your heart begins to become numb to the affection and the reality of your marriage. Pursue 100% transparency in your marriage. If you missed the mark don’t be afraid to confess and recommit. Deceit and cover-ups are just steps away from losing your marriage to foolishness. Remember, in meeting in secret, the lines are easier to cross.

7. Beware of the False Touch:

Lingering handshakes to harmless winks are all parts of this deception. They can easily arouse your emotions to make you feel all the more special. The touches and brushes may feel like lighting a flame inside you but also remember that fire is not natural and therefore will burn down everything around you too, including your marriage.

To the Singles:

A random survey among singles shows the major requirement among singles for marriage is ‘I want a spouse who loves me’. That’s not bad, but there is a quality higher and more important than love. It is called ‘Fear of God’ It is fear of God that will restrain me from sleeping with that lady. I can have girl friends and still love my spouse. It is only fear of God that will compel me to be the best partner even though I may not fell like. Love is good but fear of God is better. I cannot love my spouse more than I love God.

So I ask you; does he or she that you want to marry love God?