Public displays of affection: when are they ok?

Tracey Cox

PDAs - sweet or disgusting? Sex and relationships expert Tracey Cox reveals when it's ok to show affection in public - and when it's not.

Sex and relationships expert Tracey Cox is the author of 15 books on sex and body language, including the brilliant Superflirt. You may also recognise Tracey from TV shows including Would Like to Meet and The Sex Inspectors. Here she gives us the lowdown on public displays of affection (PDAs) and whether they are acceptable in public - or not.

What’s your take on PDAs – lovely or disgusting?

You’ve got to look at the reason why we do them. PDAs are not just about a desire to touch our partners, they're also about a desire for reassurance. A lot of PDAs are done to warn off potential rivals, it’s a technique known as ‘mate guarding’. When we employ 'mate protection' tactics, it’s usually because we feel insecure and want it to be known that our partner is with us - and therefore unavailable.

How we act in public with our PDAs depends very much on our style of loving and there are typically three styles:

1: Anxious attachment  – where people love physical reassurance

2: Avoidance attachment –  where people hate being shown affection in public and just feel smothered by it

3: Secure attachment – where people are generally ok with it
It’s best to find out which your partner is and work around that!

Most people generally have no problem with hand holding or kissing, it’s when it goes beyond that when awkwardness comes into it.

We’re a bit ageist with our acceptance of PDAs as well, people are less bothered by young people showing affection in public than older people. I think that’s because we stop thinking of older people as sexual and affectionate, as if it’s weird to show affection when you're older and we’re meant to be past it by a certain age.

However, I would say that if people feel really uncomfortable seeing public displays of affection, it can be because it highlights possible failings in their own relationships.

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If people really love each other, is it right or wrong to demonstrate that in public?

It’s definitely ok, showing affection to your partner is something we should all be doing and it’s something we need to put more energy and effort into. If just holding the hand of your partner makes them feel great, is it really going to kill you to do it? After all, a relationship is not just about you.

If both of you feel the same about being affectionate in public, that’s fine, but if one of you wants affection and the other one doesn’t, then it can cause problems. In the survey, men were actually more ok with showing affection in public than women and I think that shows the lines between the sexes are blurring more and more – men are more comfortable with affection and women are more comfortable with being stronger in their relationships.

What if your partner loves being affectionate in public and you don’t?

Then I think you need to have a conversation about it. If you both have completely different relationship styles, that can show a real problem in your relationship and suggest that you may not be that well matched. It’s about compromise. It’s about talking it through and saying what is acceptable in a delicate way, so that you can work out a resolution.

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Where should people draw the line when it comes to PDAs?

When it becomes sexual, such as thigh stroking for example. Most people will put up with a loving display, it’s when it gets into outright fondling or the kissing with tongues that people object because it makes them feel awkward - and no one wants to see that! Generally, people who are affectionate to the point of offensiveness are usually seeking attention or feeling insecure. Often they are doing the mate-guarding thing, or being a bit jealous or possessive.

Proximity to other people is the key here, the closer you are to other people, the more restrained you should be. Be aware of your environment and look around at people’s body language, if they’re tutting and whispering then maybe tone it down a bit, don’t force your affection for your partner down other people’s throats.

PDAs: ok for the young but not for the old?

I think it should be ok for both ages, but because we’re an ageist society, you are going to get more attention for showing affection in public when you’re older. It's also about the type of affection you're showing: holding hands is sweet - bottom slapping is plain sexist!

How can you show affection without going too far?

Couples tend to develop a code when they’ve been together for a while, like a reassuring touch on the back of the hand, for example. They communicate very easily and well by little codes that they know and understand. They don’t need to cling on for dear life in public.

Bottom line: PDAs – ok or not?

I’m very pro them, but just be aware that there is a line that you can cross. I’m pro expressions of love in public - but not expressions of sexual desire.