The Married Woman’s Guide to Eliminating Pesky Single Girls from Le Hubs’ Radar

Have you noticed how several married women fall over themselves trying to protect their husbands from us thieving, single, and husband snatchers? With everything I’ve heard in the past week, I’m convinced that the single woman is completely without any sense of responsibility and as such, all she desires to do is to party. As a result of her being completely unhinged to any kind of masculine presence, she is a free agent whose sole life ambition is to snag any available married man irrespective of whether he’s got anything for himself… oh no! All that matters is that he belongs to someone else and that in itself makes him the catch of ALL catches.

I mean, this can be the only justification for statements like this:

“Single girls are always out for married men. They like the idea of a man who is well settled. They like to reap where they didn’t sow“

I’ve heard this so often that after my initial indignation, I began to attempt to analyse how some women may have come to this conclusion. I tried to rationalize the idea that a husband is a “fertile soil” where one has sowed and the marriage is in fact the harvesting period.

In my attempt to think it through, my thoughts went to the stages of the attainment of this status of “The Married Woman.” First, you have dated this guy for almost 2 years (give or take). You have been nice to him, forgiven some of his bad behaviour, tolerated his irritating second cousin who lives with him and you have bought his baby brother a nice leather wallet for Christmas.

Then, he proposed. You were overjoyed; heaved a sigh of relief and took a picture of your ring sitting on a perfectly (or not so perfectly) manicured finger and excitedly sent to your friends. Everyone is congratulating you. You have hit the mother lode with this one. So you work hard, hope and pray that the wedding day comes without incident.

You’ve worked so hard to clinch this very elusive rank of “Mrs”. You beat a long line of girls who were vying for your man’s attention and then, like a ray of hope at the end of a dark tunnel of Spinsterhood, you finally get married. Indeed, I can understand why you’d think any one would want to oust you from your coveted position. If this is your story, then I’d like to give you a gift.

The Married Woman’s Guide to Keeping Pesky Single Girls from Your Man

1. On that day when you were joined with your man; you were told that the two had become one. It is important that you don’t take this instruction lightly.Remember that your life is completely and inextricably tied to your husband’s and so you must immerse yourself in his life and work. It is important that you constantly call him, I’d suggest every hour. It doesn’t matter that he may be in a meeting. Remember those secretaries and girls in his office need to be reminded that he is married.

2. Seeing as your lives are inextricably tied together, (you have a marriage certificate to establish this crucial point) you must never.. and I mean NEVER,  let Le Hubs go to a club or a social event without you. Remember, it is folly to cast your bread before the swine! Watch him like a hawk! You must be constantly draped to across his arm and shoulder, slightly touching him in that way that is akin to a little mutt peeing around a tree. It is important to set boundaries. Single girls need to be shown that this one is off the market.

3. Le Hubs may be the generous, kind, compassionate guy who likes to help ferry work mates in his car. Make sure that the girls he gives a ride to and from work are in active relationships or they are married. Remember that relationships find a way of restraining those pesky girls from poaching. There is a template form for assessment of potential people who would like to ride with him. Make sure that all prospective single girls are not smart or chatty – you don’t want him getting any kind of intellectual stimulation from someone else. Then, ensure that they look as bland as bland comes. This is essential to your task.

4. It is the age of social media and like everything that is a blessing and a curse, you must ensure you work hard to maximize the blessing part of it. Ensure that your picture is up as his display picture and profile picture. Or make sure he uses one of you as a perfect smiling happy unit of perfection. You might think that this is just tempting the pesky single girl into seeing your beautiful home as a target, no, it is not. It is a warning sign that “if the chips ever come down, he’ll never leave this for you”.

5. Still on the issue of social media – if he’s on Twitter…make sure you are following, right behind him.  Constantly observe the RTs and the LOLs. If you find that a particular handle keeps cheesing at his tweets, fear not. You can follow her too and retweet stuff, emphasizing that he is Husband of Thee. When the LOLs get uncomfortable you might be tempted to go-a-snooping but no… don’t do that. That’s just debasing. You’re after all extremely confident in yourself and your status as the “Wori Gida”.  Play it cool. However, if you find that the red flags keep popping up, just delete the app! What does he need social networking for anyway?

6. Pesky single girls like dapper guys. You worked so hard to get this one and you need those girls to back away from your prize. It is quite simple, when he is not with you, encourage him to wear the shabbiest of his clothes. Why does he need to look good to go play squash in Ikoyi Club? Remember that pair of leather slippers, hanging on its last thread in the closet? Yep, that one! Have him wear those for his evening drive to buy Glover Court suya. Why does he need to look good and fresh?

7. Rings! The rings which symbolize your status as an esteemed member of the MRS club. Those things can be very effective. Unfortunately they can get stolen or even worse, fall off. Do not fear that Le Hubs will go about without his Bond Band! Get matching tattoos on your fingers. Indelible marks of possession which establishes your status without question.

8. Buy a blood pressure monitor. It is important that you constantly check your blood pressure. Remember, nothing good comes easy. You have to work yourself up to a hissy fit to keep your marriage. Just make sure your blood pressure is at the doctor’s approved level and all will be well.